I blew it again. For the kazillionth time. And I felt horrible–I know better, that’s for sure. At 51 years old, shouldn’t I have it together? What’s wrong with me? The guilt soaked my heart like oil upon a bird, and my movements became slow, entangled, encased in darkness. My breath became heavy, and my joy disappeared.
I wore my guilt like a backwards badge. And a few days later, I walked out of it. But the wound remained, not quite scared.

I blew it again. For the kazillionth time. And I felt horrible–I know better, that’s for sure. At 51 years old, shouldn’t I have it together? What’s wrong with me? The guilt soaked my heart like oil upon a bird, and my movements became slow, entangled, encased in more darkness. My breath became painful, and my joy disappeared.
I wore my guilt like a backwards badge. And a few weeks later, I hobbled out of it. And the wound got deeper, not scared at all.

And the vicious circle kept on going, round and around and around… My walk resembled that of an old woman, bent over with the weight of my backwards badge–guilt held onto with all of my ridiculous weakness. And the wound wouldn’t close any longer.

“How much is enough?” I heard Him ask me one day.
“It will never be enough,” my despairing heart answered.
“I know,” God answered.
The silence felt uncomfortable, like an unfinished conversation that did not go well.

“Well, then what?” I finally asked.
He pointed to the marks on His Son’s hands and feet. “He only is enough. Enough is enough.”

I let His words sink in deep into my very sick heart. “Help me, Holy Spirit,” I whispered. “I want to win this battle.” As I sat in His presence, grace to receive truth entered me. I began to see reality as it is rather than as I perceived it. I can never ever pay for my sins. I can never ever make atonement. My guilt-ridden body wasn’t helping; even death would not do it. He only is the law fulfiller and the giver of grace. Both met at the cross and set me free. A life for a life– His death for my freedom, His punishment for my release.

Liberated from the net of condemnation that had captivated me unto death, joy filled my heart and I felt as a bird freed out of his cage.

“Oh God of heaven and earth, how can I thank You?”
“By embracing my message, dear One, by believing my Word.
Live as the free,
Act as the loved,
Sing as the released,
and let your whole being reflect the victory of My Son.”

I say YES.

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