Most of the time. Just about all the time. 24/7.
I make lists and scratch each item with pleasure as tasks are completed. I have goals and jump with excitement as I attain them. I live big in the smallest tasks, having learned that all happens one tiny step at a time.
Even when I rest, I am scheming my next activity. And one the rare days when my list is short, I get lost. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel useless and have a tendency to get down on myself…
So it was quite a challenge for me yesterday when I woke up with no drive to think, do, move, breathe. I could not muster any of it up. Zippo. Nada.
I slowly got out of bed, looked at my carefully color-coded agenda for the day and it turned my stomach. So I crawled into my comfy chair with a cup of hot coffee. And I stayed there longer than ever. No planning, no scheming. Barely thinking. And when my mind went to my agenda and the zillions tasks not being scratched off, guilt crept in. But I just did not move…
Eventually, I took a shower. My joints ached. My mind was tired. My soul was exhausted. So I asked my husband to take me for a ride in the country. As we drove through rural Pennsylvania hills filled with that crisp beauty of a late summer day, I could still see my color-coded list in my head, but it somehow did not matter any more. The world wasn’t going to come to an end just because my list was left untouched.
My list lost its power for a moment.
What a revelation.
So I chose to lay the list aside. For one day. No more fretting over it. No more wondering about playing catch-up. No more planning in my head. No more figuring out my own heart. No more guilt.
I barely glanced at my computer when we got home. Facebook could wait. Emails weren’t going to be deleted if I waited till tomorrow.
I left my phone inside, grabbed a book and settled myself in the hammock under the trees. There was movement all around me. I saw tiny ants exploring blades of grass, squirrels jumping from branch to branch, flowers caressed by the wind and birds singing for the pure joy of it–nature being led by the day, nature living its life, not concerned about any kind of color-coded agenda whatsoever. Leaves rustled in the wind, and the sound of them touched a place deep within my soul. I closed my eyes and let the summer day take me over.
My soul started to breathe freely.
Later one, we drove over to a little lake not far from home because I yearned for the peaceful beauty of majestic trees reflected in quiet water. There were a few fishermen standing around the lake. No hurry there–just waiting for the fish.
And all is well with the world.