Angry and frustrated with myself, I add another word to my list of not-good-enoughs.
And the collection grows, hour by hour.
Ashamed of my reaction when I see them and cross the street because I don’t want to listen to his attitude and see her perfectly painted face, I mentally write down yet another shortcoming on the account that my heart holds.
And the collection grows, heavier by the day.
Sick to my soul as I realize that I would rather not care, not feel, not react, not have to do something because the raw pain never ends and the hunger is bottomless and there is no solution that I can see, I etch another march in my never-ending archive of guilts.
And the collection grows, year after year.
I was never a collector of things; I just have a carefully kept inventory of wrong. It has always been my only collection: shortcomings, deficiencies, lacks, weaknesses, defects. It never goes on sale; it just grows, and gets putrid, and stinks up my heavy heart. And it destroys my life.
And the years add up, and the collection grows.
“Release it from your hand.”
But my sore heart doesn’t find room for balm today. I shrug the words away and just keep on collecting.
Yet time is in His relentless hands.
“It isn’t yours to carry.”
But look at my collection! I wear my shame like a badge of honor.
“I myself was put to shame that you might let go of yours. ”
The words come down like a sledgehammer upon my heart, shattering all of its pride and crooked reasonings.
“Your shame minimizes My grace.”
My collections scatters on the ground. I don’t pick up the pieces.
I pick up joy instead and let it dance within my cleaned-up, roomy heart.
Cultivating Thankfulness with Ann Voskamp
#341 A Summer Rain
#340 a new pair of jeans
#339 My released Heart
#338 The Week-end
#337 A Ladies’ Breakfast with my girlfriends
Sometimes, I link up with any or all of these wonderful writers: Simply Helping Him, Hearts 4 Home, SDG, Hearts Reflected, WLW, EOA, Things I can’t say, Growing Home, Play Dates with God, Monday Musings, Hear it on Sunday, Inspire Me Monday, Tell me a Story, The Better Mom, a Mama’s Story, Into the Word, In and Around Mondays,OYHT, Gratituesday, Titus2Tuesdays, Extraordinay, Lessons from Ivy, Denise in Bloom, Sweet Blessings, Faith Filled Friday, Finding Joy