So I’ll never be a size 2

This is a very hard post to write.  Because I have to be real down to my toes, and then some. But here is goes.

I lost 20 pounds and kept most of them off. I dared to face the lady in the mirror. I even smiled at her without cringing.  I took hundreds of women with me on this journey, and we worked with each other, speaking truth to our spirits, minds and bodies, attending to this shell we live in, and now we all stand up a bit taller, more accepting of who we are, less degraded by the media. I ought to be pleased with myself. I know my stuff. I’m successful at it.

I said it at least a thousand times: “Don’t let the scale talk to you; it plays mind games with you, it seeks to poison the very core of you. It tells you lies about who you are, what matters, what your future is, where your beauty stands.” And we all agree.

I've had this scale since forever so I decided to make some changes :)

And then, I step on the scale.

And it feels like my world is coming to an end. I forget  who I am. I forget what truly matters. I forget that I am uncommonly beautiful. Wonderfully becoming.

How can these three little numbers on the scale have such power on me? My feelings take a ride on a wicked roller coaster and I wind up sick to my stomach, and I throw up from the ride. I lose all common sense, and the numbers convince me that I have no hope and I might as well dive into those cookies I have not touched in two months and I don’t really like anyway. And while I eat those cookies I don’t really like and I am not even hungry, I decide that I am going to lose these last few pounds once and for all, even if it kills me.

I have lost my mind.

And no matter how hard I try doing all the things that always worked before, the scale won’t budge for me.  And I drive myself insane; I am the lady who teaches by example, you know.  I not only talk the talk but I walk the walk. How am I supposed to continue if I myself can’t lose the weight?

And when the tears are gone and I lost all my anger, the answer comes in the quietness of my soul. I hear my very heart repeat it time and time again:

I teach by example; I walk the walk. That’s what works.

Real when things go well, real when things don’t go as I want. That’s real life with its pretenses peeled away. Humbling, nitty-gritty life. The kind of life where it might be necessary to put the scale in  solitary confinement for a while so that I can work against the power of its numbers. The kind of life where I own to and accept gracefully the lady in the mirror, even when she doesn’t match up with the one in my head.  The kind of life where I don’t give myself excuses, but I don’t lie to myself either, pretending that size is where my worth comes.  The kind of life that fights against the incessant need to be admired. The kind of life that is fulfilled because of the here and now, and the God who sustains.

Wonderfully becoming. That’s what I am.  May I continue to teach by example, aging gracefully without hiding. Ever.

Cultivating Thankfulness with Ann Voskamp

#373 A gift certificate to my favorite store

#372 My friend’s first television appearance

#371 Renewing an old friendship

#370 Homemade Graham Crackers

Sometimes, I link up with any or all of these wonderful writers: Hearts 4 HomeSDG,  Hearts Reflected, WLW, EOA, Things I can’t say, Growing HomePlay Dates with GodMonday Musings, Hear it on SundayInspire Me Monday, Tell me a Story, The Better Mom, a Mama’s StoryInto the WordIn and Around Mondays,OYHT, Gratituesday, Titus2Tuesdays, ExtraordinayLessons from IvyDenise in BloomSweet BlessingsFaith Filled Friday, Finding Joy

Advertisements

42 comments

  1. Barbara,

    Reading this post feels sureal! Who wrote it? You or I? Who’s words am I reading?

    All my life I felt that way! Only these few past years, I have learned that it is a mind set that I need to change first, not my weight. I have thrown the scale away, I eat healthy~most of the time~ I cultivate and strive for inner growth, I have grown mindfull of the moment, and look through my self in the mirror, not at.

    It was after I started journaling, 4 years ago, that things changed. Still, I am not thin, But I have noticed other quailites about my self to love. It’s the soul that counts, not the flesh!

    Like

  2. Barbara,

    Reading this post feels sureal! Who wrote it? You or I? Who’s words am I reading?

    All my life I felt that way! Only these few past years, I have learned that it is a mind set that I need to change first, not my weight. I have thrown the scale away, I eat healthy~most of the time~ I cultivate and strive for inner growth, I have grown mindfull of the moment, and look through my self in the mirror, not at.

    It was after I started journaling, 4 years ago, that things changed. Still, I am not thin, But I have noticed other quailites about my self to love. It’s the soul that counts, not the flesh!

    Like

  3. “Wonderfully becoming. That’s what I am. May I continue to teach by example, aging gracefully without hiding. Ever.” ~ Perfect 🙂 I think that no matter what we struggle with in my life, we could all take note of this! Thanks for your honest sharing!! Stopping by from the Finding Joy Friday link-up, have a blessed and beautiful day!!

    Like

  4. I was in the grocery store today and I met one person that I know and he told me that I am too skinny and I have to gain more weight. My weight is 50 kg and my height is157 cm. But I told him that I can’t because when I try, it only shows in my tummy. Then he said, well, better to remain as you are.
    So whether we are skinny or chubby someone won’t be satisfied. So we just have to love ourselves as we are. God loves us anyway, the one who created us:)

    Like

  5. You always take me there. For years we didn’t even own a scale because I wasn’t certain I could maintain a healthy relationship to it. It took several years, but we finally bought one, and with daily accountability, I still get on, most days. It helps me stay honest, and not play games with myself. I am reminded that it’s one of many tools (I moreso trust my jeans than a scale since I carry more muscle that people my “size” but the lessons you write are not lost on me. “The kind of life where I own to and accept gracefully the lady in the mirror, even when she doesn’t match up with the one in my head..’ REALLY? I am learning to love the women who doesn’t need a scale…and she is ALWAYS beautiful.
    Thanks for leading by beautiful example.
    Peace and good

    Like

  6. I love all the positive messages on your scale. I appreciate your beautiful honesty here. And is it ever really enough? We think after lose 20 pounds we will be ‘done’, but then we do but we still have arm jiggle or stretch mars or we lost a lot of the weights from our breasts and then we think we need implants so we wo t be so flat. It’s never ending! I am thankful that my worth comes from God, not my waist size.

    Like

  7. Barbara, thank you for the authenticity of your battle. I too have the same battle. I’ve come to the point that I purchased new pants and tried to embrace the heavy me. I know that’s not me though. I know mentally that the scale is not my enemy, but my friend. However, it’s a friend that I’ve been ignoring and will continue to ignore until I get my act together. 🙂 Praying for you dear sister that we can both face this battle in Him and His truth.

    Like

  8. I hear you loud and clear, Barbara! I was heavy in high school and battled weight issues for years and years. I got to a comfortable weight a few years ago and hung there for some time, but have begun to battle again. Ugh. Love your admonition to be “wonderfully becoming”. We are all in this together!

    Like

  9. Oh I can relate to this for sure! The five pounds I lost several months ago, has found its way back again. That size 2 even with a one in front does not do well by me. I too realize God looks at the inward person, but we all want to improve where we can. Thanks for sharing from your toes with Tell me a Story!

    Like

  10. Wonderfully becoming… oh, how I love that- must share that phrase with my girls. And your scale? I’m headed to the bathroom with sharpies right now 🙂 So blessed by your honesty today! Beautiful words from a beautiful woman.

    Like

  11. I can imagine how difficult this was for you to write – God calls us to be humble ourselves so that he can show his strength. Keep listening for the Holy Spirit and reading the words on your scale!

    Like

  12. I have lost a lot of weight since having esophageal surgery 15 months ago and there ain’t any particular reason. For some reason my system doesn’t work as it had for many years. It’s simply interesting, to say the least, how our lives can change for one reason or another. The main way of life, though, is to seek and serve the Lord as often as possible. HE’s the only perfect One. We do the best we can, often, but won’t be perfect til we get to heaven.

    Your sharing is thoughtful and heart-filled. Thanks.

    Like

  13. The scale doesnt determine your health. I have lost 40 pounds recently and the scale here lately isnt budging anymore but I feel good I have energy my clothes fit well.. I dont let the scale dictate my life.

    Like

  14. I’ve tried so many diets, so many things but I am learning to just like me for who I am and right now I try to eat healthy and am so blessed my husband never criticizes my weight or looks. I haven’t step on a scale in months and believe me, I don’t miss it!

    Like

  15. Oh girly! I could have written this post! Thank you so much for sharing this! I fight with the mirror and the scale :/ The numbers eat at me from prior to having my lil blessings….the numbers stare at me, reminding me of the aging process…..Thank you for linking up at Simply Helping Him! Blessings sis!

    Like

  16. I do trust all of the ideas you have offered to your post. They’re very convincing and can certainly work. Still, the posts are very short for novices. Could you please extend them a bit from next time? Thanks for the post.

    Like

I would love to hear your reaction to this post.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s