For When You Realize You are not Enough…

When I first felt you move within my womb, my entire universe shifted.

My heart sang for joy, and I vowed to take care of you, to shield you from harm, to keep you from being hurt, to love you and give all that I am for you.

And in many ways I did.

Love is like that. How could I not? You are the flesh of my flesh.

But in many ways, I failed. I miserably failed in my vow to shield you from harm, to keep you from being hurt. Oh I tried, dear One, I really did. But life happens. And this life we live, it isn’t always nice. It isn’t always fair.

There are times when you have been in harm’s way and I haven’t been there to shield you. And it ripped me apart.

And at times, I have not been able to keep you from being hurt. Not that I did not want to, not that I did not yearn to, not that I did not beg God to trade places with you–this sacrificial love, it’s built into us Mommas,–but my hands were tied.

And it broke my heart.

And as the years went by–and we lived them fully, you and I hand in hand, learning life together,–I have had to let you suffer through heart breaks, and I have had to let you deal with lost games and championships, and broken friendships and harsh words that shattered your tender being, and scraped knees and broken bones that you could not escape. I have prayed and fasted, cried and begged, but I have known the answer all along: God won’t let me be God.

The job is already taken.

And He certainly used me to let you know you were not alone. To gently love you through it all. But He clearly drew a line in the sand that I could not cross: You are His before you are mine.

And He knows best.

And I will never be enough. Because God only is.

And it hurts more than I can express, this letting go of you, this trusting Him enough to leave you in His hands. It feels like a tear that rips my heart apart. But I know that He won’t leave the wounded ones behind. I know that He is the Shepherd of all life. His love knows best.

He alone is God, and you are His before you are mine.

And it is very humbling, this realizing that I am not enough. That I can’t fix it all. That I can’t erase any of it. That I can’t exchange it with you.

And all that’s left is Jesus, the Shepherd of all life.

Jesus, the One I must trust.

Jesus, the One you must trust.

Jesus, the One Who is enough

one-thousand7Cultivating Thankfulness with Ann Voskamp

#758 Pear butter with slivered almonds

#759 Doing well in my new business

#760 Dinner out with my kiddos tonight

Sometimes, I link up with any or all of these wonderful writers: Hearts 4 HomeSDG, Hearts Reflected, WLW, EOA, Things I can’t say, Growing HomePlay Dates with GodMonday Musings, Hear it on Sunday,Inspire Me Monday, Tell me a Story, The Better Mom, a Mama’s StoryInto the WordIn and Around Mondays,OYHT, Gratituesday,Titus2Tuesdays, ExtraordinayLessons from IvyDenise in BloomSweet BlessingsFaith Filled Friday, Finding JoyWholeHearted Home, Mom’s the Word,

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31 comments

  1. Beautiful post. I lost my oldest son 4 years ago to a horrible disease. It was a long journey filled with prayers and tears and those offers of please fix him and take me. My faith in God never waivered in those last years and yet your post has brought me even more peace. Thank you!

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  2. I am constantly still having to commit my daughters to His care, and they’re all grown now…and now I do the same with my grand children.

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  3. If you’ve ever visited my blog you would know how this has been my own prayer. Nothing breaks a mother’s heart more than watching their child suffer and to know that she can’t fix it. Trusting God with our children is a battle. One I fight over and over again. But God has been gentle and tender in reminding me and He has always been faithful when I let go. And I praise Him for that.

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  4. Barbara, I needed to hear this today on our daughter’s 29th birthday. Sometimes we feel like we haven’t done enough, but it is God that is the ultimate provider and shelter she will need to continue to seek daily. She is His first. Thank you.

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  5. Hi Barbara! I am coming over from Monday Musings.

    You do speak to a mother’s heart so well. Even the lost swim meet, or track event is sad to all of us isn’t it? Thank goodness the Lord is with all of his people, especially the children he loves so much.

    Like you pointed out, God is God. He’ll be the perfect one, and isn’t that a comfort?
    Happy Monday!
    Ceil

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  6. 🙂 Beautiful. This is my first visit, I hope to come back and see you again. I hate trusting my kids into God’s care… because I want to be enough. Great reminder that we really can’t be all of that for our kids (because our parents are certainly not that for us…)

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  7. I really like what you said here, about NOT being enough. None of us is. Only He is. And when we realize this and turn to Him, surrender to His taking over, instead of trying to be… Him, that’s when we’re likely really to see things happen.

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  8. Such a beautiful post, and it does reach us to the core when our little ones that we thought we could always protect no matter what are hurt by something we couldn’t prevent. I’m a mother of four, I’ve felt that many times. Now my oldest is a man, and I still feel his hurts. It’s not something that goes away. 🙂

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  9. I truly understand. I have seen so much happening to my son, in particular. He was born miraculously, he was healed amazingly, and he came to the Lord when young. Now, even at 40, he has been dealing with alcoholism, womanizing, and gambling and other issues since he was 13. He goes back and forth to the Lord. People are able to draw him away again. My heart is very strongly involved, but physically I can’t be. He knows the Lord and he knows often what he should be doing… and all I can count on is that the Lord will break through in a final way. Can’t say I don’t struggle, but CAN say one of my mottoes, “God is BIGGER!” Thank you for sharing. As I said, I truly understand.

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  10. Thank you for this beautiful post. It really blessed me. I am so trying to learn what you so eloquently described. Letting God be God, trying to point my children to him, letting the desire to love them so much more than I ever can in myself push me to find God in deeper and deeper ways. Thank you for writing and for sharing.
    Bless you,
    Susan

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