Mercy

Two pieces of zucchini bread and a half a bag of chips later, I am still just as angry.

Spitting mad and justifiably so–what was he thinking? Probably nothing. That’s the problem–not thinking of the ramifications of his words, and now I am stuck with the consequences. For weeks. Or months. And I hate it.  And he doesn’t even see it. Blind and insensitive, non-thinking, that’s what he is. And I want to yell and tell him that he wronged me, and that I am so angry. But he’ll just say he’s sorry, and I know he will mean it, but that won’t change anything. I still have to bear the consequences. And I am just so angry.

fist

I clam up. I ruminate. No words coming out of this mouth. Jut an attitude that stinks from here to the other side of the world and back.

And I know what to do, but I don’t want to do it. And I know that forgiveness would take care of it all, and my heart would be set free, but then I would have to give up my right to be angry, and I am just not ready. Not yet. Because the anger, it feels good. Feeding my flesh. Destructive. Powerful.

And it makes me sick. All the way down to my very spirit. And by now, the whole world is against me. No one gets me. I am alone and terribly lonely. And no one reaches out to me. Backed up in a corner. Trapped by my very own unforgiveness. Raw anger. Wallowing in it. And nothing eases the pain. But I just can’t let it go. But I just won’t let it go.

Have mercy, Lord Jesus, have mercy.

What is it that you want, Soul?

And the answer was quick and to the point: Revenge. I want him to know how much I hurt. I want him to suffer. And I know just how to do it. A few words thrown as sharp arrows will do the trick; and I know exactly which words to use–I know him so well. And it will feel so good to hurt back. So satisfying.

And His voice exploded, right in the center of my anger, light breaking through dark clouds–Extend the mercy you long for.

The words stopped me in my track. The anger boiling in my stomach felt like it got suspended in the middle–no more movement; dead calm in my belly. And my heart, it turned liquid inside of me, reaching my eyes. Tears flowed, turning into sobbing. Unstoppable.

And then, it was like a rainbow inside of me.

Mercy.  The powerful freeing choice of not retaliating. Of gladly not giving what is due.

Mercy. He did not retaliate. He did not give me what was due me.

Mercy. The freedom of the righteous.  Oh, the depths of His power in us.

I yielded to mercy. And I received it fully.

 

Cultivating Thankfulness with Ann Voskamp

one-thousand7#964 The joy of reaching God’s heart

#965 Potluck with my church family

#966 Celebrating my husband’s 60th

 

Sometimes, I link up with any or all of these wonderful writers: Hearts 4 HomeSDG, Hearts Reflected, WLW, EOA, Things I can’t say, Growing HomePlay Dates with GodMonday Musings, Hear it on Sunday,Inspire Me Monday, Tell me a Story, The Better Mom, a Mama’s StoryInto the WordIn and Around Mondays,OYHT, Gratituesday,Titus2Tuesdays, ExtraordinayLessons from IvyDenise in BloomSweet BlessingsFaith Filled Friday, Finding JoyWholeHearted Home, Mom’s the Word, Reclaiming a Redeemed Life, Still Saturday

 

 

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21 comments

  1. Wow! I felt your emotions jumping off the page and when the calm came, I too felt calm. Mercy is a powerful tool and I love that God reminded you in the midst of anger that mercy was what you needed. Beautiful! Blessed to be popping over from Give me Grace right here to you! Happy Sunday!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh… wow… your transparency here is breathtaking. Thank you for sharing your raw reality, and how He spoke in the midst of it. I’m so thankful for His commitment to pursue our hearts in those moments of raw humanity. Grace and peace to you tonight, sister. May you continue to know His nearness and comfort. (Stopped by from Give Me Grace tonight.)

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  3. So well written, with such feeling and power. Mercy is so freeing when it comes. I know when I’ve shown mercy on another, I’ve had an easier time moving forward myself – letting go of the anger and the pain and living fully again! 🙂

    Stopping over from Mommy Moments Monday!

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  4. The transparency of your words and the intensity of your anger are amazing! I felt every emotional twist you were feeling. And yet … yes, and yet only He knew how to get your attention and free you of your pain and anger. Loved it! Visiting from Unforced Rhythms.

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  5. I love how you had the courage to listen inside and to ask your soul what it wants. Too often I try to jump ahead to what I think is the “right” answer before taking the time to really consider why I feel the way I do. Like you illustrated, this can be an act of trust, for it’s there that the Deeper, Stronger voice often interjects and shows us just what we need to see. Thank you for the blatant honesty in the piece, Barbara. So nice to have you with us at Unforced Rhythms.

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  6. I think sometimes we hold on to the anger because we so need for someone to “see” how we feel – and we want someone to “care” that we hurt – and the only one who can really do that is God – and He can only make us feel better and let us know He sees us is if we forgive! You describe the battle perfectly – praying that we all feel seen by Him so we can forgive like Him.

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  7. Barbara, I was thinking on mercy and revenge earlier this morning as I read Jonah Chapter 4. It is amazing how angry Jonah gets at God for sparing the lives of the people of Ninevah. And yet, Jonah was grateful for the plant God gave him to provide shade from the sun and ease his discomfort. Mercy. May we lose any desire to retaliate but instead offer His mercy and love.

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  8. This is beautifully written and oh how you describe that feeling to a “t”. You are a strong woman to be able to not lash out like that. I am not one for confrontation but I hold it in and act a different way (responding yes, no, huffing, storming around the house, not talking, etc.). You just want them to feel like you do.

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  9. Barbara- What a powerful and so very true description of what anger, and the desire for revenge, feels like. But also, what a wonderful testimony of His grace to free to from it all. This line, “Extend the mercy you long for.”is for my journal. Thank you for sharing your writing gift and your heart here. Loved it!

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