This has been the theme of my adult life–or maybe my entire life: “not enough.” I just never measure up, you know? To what I am not sure, but one thing I know: I am not enough.
Not adult enough to handle my issues; not thin enough to feel comfortable in front of a mirror; not educated enough to carry an intelligent conversation; not funny enough to make people laugh; not good enough to get that job; not enough, not enough, not enough…
What you set your eyes on grows, so sadly enough, this conviction grew and even became an idol–the thing that was bigger than God in my life. I made my decisions in view of it. Well you know, no, I can’t drive into the city today (because I am not good enough to drive in the busy city traffic), and no, I am sorry, but I can’t join you for dinner (because I am not good enough to carry a witty conversation with you), and no, I can’t take that risk (because, you know, I just am not good enough).
Paralyzing idol that I nurtured day in and day out. Paralyzing idol that ruled my life, my choices, my level of satisfaction in life.
I sought counsel. I reasoned with myself. I called on the Lord for deliverance from it. I made minuscule progress, maybe, but certainly not enough to make a difference in my everyday life. I just was not enough. Period.
And then one day, as I was walking and talking to my Creator and King, I finally got it:
I truly am not enough, and it’s perfect that way.
I lack by design.
My spirit knew this was revelation, but my mind did a double-take. Care to explain this to me, Lord?
God is so kind to me. One layer at a time, He unpacked this truth that exploded in my spirit. And when He was done, I was ready to dance!
The fact that I lack in every way is not something to lament about; it is a reason for celebration. The fact that I am not making progress in changing my thinking about this is on purpose.
The truth is, I will never be enough. This is by design. This is by His design. He planned it that way… No wonder I couldn’t get around it!
My lack of enoughness makes me human. It makes me needy for the One who is enough. It causes me to reach out to Him for His fullness to manifest itself in my emptiness. My lack. My weakness. My human-ness. And this is a very good thing.
And all of a sudden, the Scriptures come alive to me: ” ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Cor 12:9
I am so not enough. And that is very good news.
Sometimes, I link up with any or all of these wonderful writers: Hearts 4 Home,SDG, Hearts Reflected, WLW, EOA, Things I can’t say, Growing Home,Play Dates with God, Monday Musings, Hear it on Sunday,Inspire Me Monday, Tell me a Story, The Better Mom, a Mama’s Story, Into the Word, In and Around Mondays,OYHT, Gratituesday,Titus2Tuesdays,Extraordinay,Lessons from Ivy,Denise in Bloom, Sweet Blessings, Faith Filled Friday,Finding Joy,WholeHearted Home, Mom’s the Word, Reclaiming a Redeemed Life, Still Saturday. Wildcrafting Wednesdays, WFMW